


His History

by itbeajen



Series: Purely Bloom [8]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 13:33:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15641760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itbeajen/pseuds/itbeajen
Summary: The thought of it hurts him.The thought that one day, everything between the two of you would mean nothing tears him apart from inside. It coils around his heart and crushes it; it knocks the breath out of his lungs and he’s gasping - gasping for some sort of air.Hoping that someway, somehow - that the bliss between the two of you could last forever.





	His History

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or any characters that are mentioned. I am not making any profit from this fic and I write purely for the love of the characters. D. Gray Man is the property of Katsura Hoshino.

_ “You shouldn’t spend too much time with her. You cannot afford to grow attached, Lavi.” _

 

Those words repeated over and over in his mind. It haunted him, plagued him, and ate him alive. Even though he was finally able to spend time with you, all he could think of were those words. Those words that spelled out nothing but a doomed future together - No, there wasn’t a future together. He sighed as he leaned over the balcony railing overlooking the setting sun as it casted its last rays of sunlight over the city. The buildings were dusted with oranges, reds, and pinks - all colors that you have told him that reminded you of him. His grip on the balcony tightened and he sighs again as he leans away from the railing. 

 

_ Is there really no way for me to stay with [Name]? _ His eye slowly came to a close as his thoughts slowly settled into a murky uncertainty.  _ As an exorcist… I fight to protect my friends and those important to me… and to defeat the akuma. As a bookman… I’m supposed to record history as it is, record everything as shown to me - to be an observer and yet…  _ The image of you flits across his mind and his grip on the railing tightens ever so slightly.  _ Is it wrong? Is it wrong that I want to be with [Name]? Is it wrong that I want to tell her everything? Why can’t I just- _

 

His thoughts stuttered to a stop as he tried to shake them off. But he couldn’t. It was like standing in a room filled with clocks, the ticking never ending and realizing that even though the hands weren’t moving he was still running out of time. His heart felt as though it was being constricted by several chains.Chains that kept him binded to his duty and his fate; chains that prevented him from obtaining and retaining any happiness. His breath hitched slightly as he found it increasingly harder to breathe due to his thoughts. They drowned out any logic he had to counter them and they suffocated him so deeply. It brought chills down to his very bone and he felt hopeless, helpless, vulnerable and absolutely-

 

“Lavi?” your voice was so soft, so gentle and laced with concern and worry as you approached him silently. It stunned him out of his thoughts. He hadn’t heard you at all. He didn’t even hear you when you got out of the shower, and he didn’t even hear when you had called his name asking him if he wanted it next. The concern was evident in your gaze. A weak smile tugs at the corner of his lips, but it ends up looking more like a grimace than a reassuring smile. Yet you mirror his expression with a softer smile and you asked, “You okay?” 

 

“Yeah,” Lavi moved aside and gestured for you to come a bit closer. His arms were suddenly around your waist as he rests his head on your shoulder. The tip of his nose tickled your earlobe as his breath fanned over your neck. It was soothing for both of you to finally be able to be with each other again, but even more so for him. He unintentionally pulls you closer, as though simply holding you wasn’t enough for him. It wasn’t enough for him to know that you were still here. 

 

Yet even with the constant buzz of his situation humming in the back of his mind, he felt all of it wash away by the peace and silence of just having you with him, by his side, and in his arms. The relaxing and familiar scent of your shampoo mixed with the way you normally are blended together into something that he calls ‘home’. The way your fingers gently laced with his as he held you flush against his chest brought warmth to his heart. It freed him from the chains that threatened to remove him from life. 

 

His fingers desperately laced with yours, causing you to glance down at them before glancing out of the corner of your eyes to see Lavi’s gaze fixated on the empty streets below. You turned your head slightly, your lips brushing his temple and he jolted. His gaze turns to you and you sheepishly smiled, “Whoops?”

 

The intensity in the green hues of his iris made you silent though, but as it softened and a small smile touched his lips, you mirrored the response as he gently nuzzled his nose against yours. A soft sigh escapes his lips and you asked, “Tired?”

 

“Mm…” Lavi’s voice trailed off as his gaze returned to the setting sun. You followed it, and in an attempt to drop the conversation you softly mumbled, “It’s beautiful.”

 

“Yeah…” Lavi agreed before gently knocking his head against yours. You glanced at him and he smirked, “Not as beautiful as you though.” The sweet yet corny line drew laughter from both of you. You swatted his hands away and turned around, leaning against the balcony railing as you faced him. His one liner wasn’t quite a lie though, you truly were beautiful as the sunset framed your curves. Your hair was still slightly damp from the shower you just took, but the sheen of sunlight dyed your hair in a warm gold. His lips were chapped and his throat was dry as he struggled to compliment you, but before he could say anything, your hands gently cup his cheeks as you squish them ever so slightly.

 

“[Name]?” 

 

He barely managed to say your name, especially thanks to the way you pinched and squeezed his cheeks. There was an amused smile on your lips and you teasingly answered, “Yes?”

 

“Wha’ are you doin’?” he managed to asked as you continued playing with his cheeks. You don’t give him a straight answer, instead giggling slightly as you played around with him. He sighed in defeat, and gently cups your cheeks in his. Instead of squishing and pinching like you did to his, his thumb gently caressed your skin. You leaned into his touch, and you stopped playing with his cheeks as you did so. A fond smile takes over his visage and leans forward to gently kiss your forehead. A brilliant smile bloomed on your face and he chuckled as he brought you in for a hug. 

 

A slight shiver ran through you and he softly asked, “Cold?” Though he was met with a shake of your head despite how you pulled yourself tighter to him. He sighed as he pulled back and gently pushed back a few stray strands of your hair. “Come on,” he pulled away and took your hand in his, “We should get inside before you end up catching a cold.”

 

“I wouldn’t though.”

 

“Sure,” he laughed in response. He could feel your hand gently squeeze his and he glanced back to send you a reassuring smile. He didn’t want to worry you, not with the demons that kept him awake at night, nor with the nightmares that continually reminded him that it was so easy for the world to take you away from him.

 

***

 

As the warm water from the shower head trickled over his hair and down his back, he couldn’t help but let out a heavy sigh. It was hard. It was so hard to not let those thoughts consume him. And though he had always masked it behind a happy smile and a cheerful attitude, he couldn’t hide it from you. You knew him too well, you could see when the smile on his face was a fake, and it drove both of you insane. 

 

Lavi could still remember the first time you yelled at him. You were furious, not at what he had done to you, but how he treated himself - as though he didn’t mean anything and that he could easily be forgotten. He could still remember how angry tears welled up at the corners of your eyes as you tried to reason with him that he was important. 

 

_ What a great way to confess to your crush that you like them.  _ Lavi chuckled as he turned off the water. He lazily dried off and sighed.  _ I should… tell her. So she doesn’t worry so much. But…  _ He hesitated, all his hands movements stopping as he mulled over his thoughts.  _ I can’t tell her everything, but just enough to know… why I’m worried. _

 

He’s fully dressed in comfortable clothes as he flops onto the bed. His eye was closed as he continued to contemplate telling you the entire truth. After all… you wouldn’t be remembered anyways in history, it’d be okay if you knew right?  _ No. _ His clenched his fist and he muttered, “... more important than that.”

 

“What is?” you asked as you leaned over from the opposite side of the bed. His eye opened and he’s surprised to find your face hovering over his. Curiosity swam in your gaze and he chuckled, “You. You’re important.”

 

“More important than what?” you attempted to coax an answer out of him. He sat up and swung over so the two of you were on the same side of the bed. He gently pulled you forward and wrapped his arms around your waist as he leaned against your stomach. He feels a towel against his head as your fingers lightly massage and dry his damp hair and he mumbled, “Than everything.”

 

“We’re exorcist, Lavi.”

 

“I know,” he murmured against your flimsy shirt. You could feel the heat of his breath on your abdomen and he gently pulled you a bit closer, causing you to stumble slightly. He chuckled and you sighed in exasperation before gently patting his head. He pulls away to look up at you and you tilt your head to one side in confusion. A mischievous grin is on his face and suddenly you find yourself pinned on the bed with him hovering over you.

 

“Lavi?”

 

Ah, your voice. The way you called his name was so endearing, so affectionate and special to him. He flopped onto the bed beside you before pulling you onto his chest and rolling you both over until you’re both curled up against each other. There’s a fond smile on his lips and he gently brushes your loose strands into place. A comfortable silence settles over the two of you and a sigh escapes his lips before he realizes it. 

 

Nervousness and anxiety crushed his spirits and crippled him from being honest with himself and with you. Your hand gently rubbed his arms and he mumbled, “Sorry.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I’m just… tired…,” he doesn’t finish the rest of the sentence. Even if he doesn’t, you know what he means. He knows that you know, he can see it in the way you wearily nodded in agreement. He sighed as he pulls you a bit closer, his hand resting over your waist as his fingers gently rub circles on the exposed skin. His eye was still closed and he mumbled, “We’re like… weapons of war. Disposable… Replaceable…”  _ Our existence is meaningless. _ Though he doesn’t say it, the grimace on his face makes it obvious that the thought was there. Your hand leaves his arm to gently cup his cheek and immediately he leans into your touch. It grounded him, it kept him from spiralling into the negative thoughts that swam through his head every now and then. But for some reason, they were especially strong today. It was though he was out in the middle of a storm in the sea, unable to get away from the whirlpool that encouraged him to despair. 

 

“-vi… Lavi,” your voice pulled him back. And he finds himself pulling you close. His embrace is tight, and it almost feels desperate - as if you were the lifeline keeping him from drowning. The weight of your arms around his neck was comforting and he pulls you closer still, until your head is tucked under his chin and the rest of you was entangled with him. 

 

His lips brush against your forehead, and you can feel his frustration from the tenseness in his muscles. He was immensely frustrated - frustrated that he couldn’t tell you anything. Frustrated that he couldn’t be honest with the one person who actually made him feel as though he was worth something - with the one person who came to love him for everything that he is and isn’t. His grip around you tightens and a soft squeak escapes as you were pulled a bit too closer and his grip was a bit too tight. His arms immediately leave you and he looks down in horror. Your confusion was evident and he mumbled, “Shit, [Name]... I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“It’s not. I- Shit, I-”

 

But his words were cut off as he felt your lips gently press against his. They were soft, warm, and he could feel your love through that kiss. As you pulled away, he leaned in to claim your lips as his. His heat, his love, and the desperation and want for you was so clearly conveyed. His arms gently wrapped around you, pulling you towards him as he kissed you desperately, almost as if this was the only connection he had left with you, almost as if, if he didn’t convey how much he loved you now, he’d never get the chance to ever again.

 

When he parted he rested his forehead against yours and whispered, “I love you, [Name].” He heard your breath hitch and he nuzzled his nose against yours before repeatedly murmuring, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

 

“Why are you apologizing?”

 

“You don’t… I don’t deserve to be with you,” he admitted his deepest worries. His eye opened to meet your gaze, and he’s surprised by the love and unadulterated affection in your gaze. Your hands slowly slide from his back to his chest, then up his cheeks to gently squish them. You smiled softly and mumbled, “I love you, you know?”

 

His eye widened and he shook his head, “I know.. But [Name]... You  _ know _ I can’t be with you like an actual boyfriend would. I can’t… I can’t always be there for you. No matter how much I want to, I-” He bit his lower lip and ducked his head slightly. But he couldn’t hide from you, you were already too close to him, and he was already too attached to you. He sighed and admitted in a hoarse whisper, “I just want to love you and spoil you senseless… take you out on dates, go to sleep with you and wake up in the mornings with you in my arms. I just-” his voice cracked and he weakly admitted, “Is it so wrong that I just want to be happy with you?”

 

“No,” you responded. Your voice was heavy with emotion and he could see that you were fighting to hold back tears by the way you blinked your eyes. You held onto him tightly and mumbled, “I do too. I want to be with you. And I know… I know your position doesn’t let you. But Lavi…” your voice trailed off and you softly mumbled, “The fact that you  _ want _ to be with me, that you share the same sentiments that I do, that’s all that matters to me. I’ll love you… I’ll love you even if you’re not allowed to love me back. I…” 

 

Your voice trails off, and you’re not quite looking at him. Your grip on him tightens and his lips brushes over your forehead softly. And though he’s the one trying to comfort you, he feels the tension within him leaving as your touch, your warmth, your  _ presence _ soothed his anguished soul. He pulled you a bit closer, and you were flush against him. You could hear his heart rate beating rapidly on the side of his neck and you whispered softly, “Even if you have to leave me one day… as long as you’re here now, and you’re happy and in love with me… right now, that’s all that matters to me.” 

 

“[Name],” he choked out your name, and you could hear the sob that he struggled to keep down. You softly smiled against his shoulder as you pressed a kiss to his neck. You sighed contently, “I don’t care if I won’t get written into the main timeline, or if history forgets me… as long as you remember me… and what we had together… that’s all that matters, Lavi.”

 

You hear him choke back a sob and his hold on you tightens. You could feel him trembling slightly and you wrap your arms around him, needing to touch him somehow, to reassure him that things would be okay. He shook his head as he held you close, and you could hear him stifle the sobs even though the tears gently fell from his cheeks to your exposed shoulder. 

  
“I love you, [Name]. I… I’ll never forget you. Even if you’re not written down in history… even if the records won’t remember you, I-” He paused as his voice broke slightly. He bit down on his lower lip and he hoarsely whispered, “I promise you I’ll remember you. I’ll always remember you…”  _ in my history. _

**Author's Note:**

> I got into DGM a few weeks back thanks to my dear friend, May. And then shortly after binging the entire series I fell hard for Lavi and even had this strange dream - but all I could remember was that one line. 
> 
> Also another fic for the Purely Bloom series. The birth flower for August are gladiolus flowers. These flowers symbolize honor and remembrance, but can also symbolize strength of character, faithfulness, sincerity and integrity. In this fic in particular, I was aiming for remembrance and sincerity. Not too sure how well I did though. LMAO


End file.
